Puzzled

[howeird]

A friend of mine whom I thought was a devout lesbian, tells me she is now not sure if she likes women or men better. Her long-time SO not only dumped her but also ran off with credit cards, bank book and a lot of the stuff from their house.

In other words, the stab-in-the-back nature of the breakup has my friend confused about her gender.

I'm puzzled by this. Hetero men have this kind of betrayal happen to them all the time, but I've never heard of one becoming gay because of it. I don't know any gay men who have been betrayed quite this thoroughly, so I don't know about that angle.

Comments

[peace-corps-grl.livejournal.com]

Had she had female partners before this woman? Perhaps she never was a strict lesbian? Maybe she is bi? I know a lot of lesbians and gay men who have had bad break ups but none of them have every said “Hmmm, maybe I should try the opposite sex.”

Interesting.

[peace-corps-grl.livejournal.com]

ever*

[howeird]

maybe she is bi
Possibly, but I don't think so. I met her the summer before she started college, and she had made noises about getting together at winter break. When winter break arrived, we did get together, but she did the LJBF thing, saying she had discovered women, and wasn't interested in men anymore. The SO who broke up with her was one of those women, though they didn't become a couple until a few years after college.

[cinchntouch.livejournal.com]

Check out this book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0520206746/sr=8-5/qid=1141760402/ref=sr_1_5/103-3597609-7649461?%5Fencoding=UTF8


Also the new issue of Scientific American Mind has a great article on sexual orientation. Using the Kinsey scale and recent biological research.

Long story short a lot of bi-sexuals identify as straight or gay and in terms of actual desire can occupy a more ambiguous middle ground.

[howeird]

Yeah, nothing is black and white, especially when you run it through a blender.

[cinchntouch.livejournal.com]

Thats what lesbians are famous for :-)

[scendan.livejournal.com]

If you take sexuality on a spectrum, and she falls somewhere toward the bi end of it, but has perhaps not explored that very much (and/or admitted it to herself or in public), then a betrayal by one of the genders she is potentially attracted to could, in my opinion, cause her to doubt whether she "really" is attracted to that gender--think of it as aversion therapy. If someone was incredibly strongly het, or incredibly strongly gay, that reaction might not come up. Or if someone was frightened of how she might react, or her friends or society might react, to her swinging "another way" might repress that reaction to avoid "public scrutiny." For instance, a predominantely het male, dumped by a girlfriend, could be very intimidated by the thought that maybe he doesn't really want to be with women anymore. It possibly could be a reaction a man might have, if he swung more toward bi than he cared to admit...but there's a lot of social stigma, still, in admitting it.

And let's face it, a lot of bi people are still hammered on by both sides of the gay/straight fence.

[scendan.livejournal.com]

In other words, what cinchntouch said. I just hadn't read it before posting.

[unseelie23.livejournal.com]

And let's face it, a lot of bi people are still hammered on by both sides of the gay/straight fence.

Quite true... :-/

[howeird]

Bi, bi blues.

One of the things which my friend said made her question her orientation was the mixed messages she got from women friends who were comforting her in her time of need. She had the impression that she was some kind of prize which they were competing for - which is the kind of thing which happens when men notice that a hot chick is newly single.

[scendan.livejournal.com]

Also, just 'cuz you caught me on a semantic problem in my journal today, I think you meant to say:

...has my friend confused about her gender-preference.

I assume your friend has not suddenly decided, post-breakup, that she is, in fact, a man.

[peace-corps-grl.livejournal.com]

or sexual orientation. We don’t like the word “preference.”

[scendan.livejournal.com]

Whoops! Sorry, yes, that would have been a better choice. And me working in the social services field. And being part of the "we". Ok, I'll creep off under my semantic rock, now.

[howeird]

She was wearing jeans at the time, and couldn't be sure.
:-)

[caprine.livejournal.com]

Ah, the sin of generalization. One [man/woman/giraffe] has betrayed you, therefore all [men/women/giraffes] are evil and you are swearing off them. Unless, as other commenters have pointed out, your sense of self is firmly rooted in your sexual orientation; then you bemoan the fact that [men/women/giraffes] are such psychotic assholes, but you continue to date them anyway.

[scendan.livejournal.com]

In fairness, this may be more of a knee-jerk trauma reaction, rather than an intentional generalization. That's potentially a little harsh to assume that the person is intentionally "swearing off."

[farmount.livejournal.com]

Well, I've seen some women do the "all men are jerks" after a nasty break-up or divorce, and I've seen stories where men do the same. I doubt it's an internal generalization or if so, it's likely to be a short-term one.

It is also possible that the psycho lover may have told the friend something along the lines of "you're not a real lesbian" or something similar, and that may have the friend doubting her sexuality. Frankly, I tend to be in the camp of people should explore what seems interesting to them. If that means men, in the case of your friend, then she should try them. However, as other people have pointed out, there is plenty of stigma with being bisexual from both het and gay sides, which may be part of the concern of her sexual preference.

[howeird]

One [man/woman/giraffe] has betrayed you, therefore all [men/women/giraffes] are evil

For me it was the penguins. Under that snowy white chest beats a heart of blackest black. Behind the cute yellow beak is a forked tongue. She promised to warm my eggs, but hung me out to dry on the cold, cold ice. Never again! From now on I will throw my lot in with the homely but reliable tufted puffin.

[caprine.livejournal.com]

You are so cool.